My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Of course I have a pirate flag
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
