Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
