Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He shit in the fireplace
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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