the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
