nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
