does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
