Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
They have beer where we have blood.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
