Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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