You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
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I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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