You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
