you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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