Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
