my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
