A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
