If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
