Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The adults are the big ones right?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
