it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
