Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
