So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
