Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
