hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
