Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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