In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Enjoy the penises
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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