Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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