Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
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being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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