1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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