I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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