is your mom at the bar?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
