Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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