did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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