wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
