two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
