you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
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