my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
