I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
