It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
