I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize