Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
