In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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