I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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