If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
