The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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