you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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