phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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