I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
