So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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