I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
