is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
