U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
