You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
