Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
