I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
