So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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