grandma shit on top of the toilet
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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