Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
All the doctor said was why
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
