it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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